world, FINE. you got me today. but i’mma freakin TACKLE you tomorrow, smiling. WATCHOUT. good night and good luck.

Wow, this page looks so foreign. Tumblr, IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME.

An entire summer and a month of Junior year has passed, and what I can say is that I have too much to say…! I’m so full of stuff that there are actually times when I feel like I’m fit to BURST. Reflection should be a time of meditative and careful contemplation, right? NO. There are times when I step back from everything, perhaps in the quietness of my empty apartment, and my heart and stomach do this weird kind of lurch—almost like butterflies—and the quietness is quickly drowned out by the noise of memories and my own voice. The end of Sophomore year, the summer, and the beginning of Junior year was a time that was so clearly a time of growth for me than any other time period of my life. Thinking about how beautifully orchestrated every joy, struggle, and revelation was makes everything in my body want to wiggle or something like a fool.

I don’t know what made me want to write this post right now, but I guess it was a long time coming. In every way that I am being grown as a woman of God, a “saint who’s been deceived”, and a sister, daughter, friend, and stranger, I can only be sure of one thing: I am not an end product. I might often be disappointed in my lack of abilities or faith or beauty, I might become discouraged as I inevitably compare myself to people with awards and titles of importance, and I might look at the Cross and feel shameful, rather than feeling forgiven. But me at this moment, a 20-year-old sitting with my legs ”criss-cross apple-sauce” in pajama pants, my hair all frizzed up into a high bun, and my head filled with messed up or wonderful or overwhelming or useless thoughts, is just a single stage in the lifestory of Stephanie Misung Kim.

I’ve been replying to, “How are you?” by saying that I’m “really busy and physically tired, but I’m GOOD”. That actually isn’t far from the truth. But it’s still not the truth. The truth is that…uhhhhhh…I don’t know how I’m doing. There are so many facets of my life that need polishing and attention right now, that it’s hard to say how I’m doing—at least succinctly and honestly. I want to believe that this jagged rock of a life that I’ve been trying to polish and putting 100% into each facet is actually going to be a gem that He, in its unfinished form, already treasures.

Now, all I need is some more elbow grease. So sleepy. GOOD NIGHT! =))

…that the sight of Your face
is all that i need
i will say to You

it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it
it’s gonna be worth it all
i believe this

You’re gonna be worth it all…

No more wondering “why” or getting caught up with words. No more getting upset and hiding my disappointment. People will fail; that’s why God is perfect. People will fail; I’ll love them all the more, no matter how much pushing and shoving of my pride this will take. People will fail; so will I.

I asked for God to use me in uncomfortable ways, and WOW has He answered my prayer. Brokenness can take so many forms, and I see a new one in myself. He knew the one place that would break me the hardest, and started to chip away at it. But as I realized on Good Friday, I’ve been taking only the parts of Christ that I want. I take His strength, grace, love, forgiveness, and joy, but I crumble at the weight of His mercy and at the thoughts of the challenges He has for me. He doesn’t pick and choose any aspects of me, though. He takes my impurities, my pain, and the ugliest parts of me along with the rest. He is strong in my weakness. And it took the story of the man on the cross that I thought I knew backward and forward to punch some truth into my gut.

And whatever this is that’s happening will end in good. All struggles do, as long as I handle it the right way. Once in a while, I thought, “Maybe I should try seeing this comically…just laugh about it…” But that would be taking value away from a collision that God planned so perfectly. I’m thankful, yes, but it hurts. Kind of like the pain you feel after running for miles: you can’t pinpoint the one place it hurts the most, but you know you’re getting stronger.

I’m not the only one I know who’s struggling. Listening to friends and even seeing how 10+ people instantly “like” a facebook status and write “i feel you” about wanting the week to be over is enough. Let’s not take these struggles for granted, though. I won’t say to “make a joyful noise!” and to be ecstatic about it, because I can’t do it with a genuine heart either. But trust that this can be used as an advantage for our relationships with God and to grow stronger as ambassadors of Christ. Trust and believe that it’s gonna be worth it all.